Plywood

Modern Surfing? Me thinks not. I think you call that laying on plywood.

My friend Spike just told me he rides a Alaia surfboard, you know, plywood without a fin. I half laughed and half gagged. Spike took up surfing as a adult after moving to NC from Kansas or somewhere in the middle of the country. One would assume that he would be super keen to perfect his skills on standard surfcraft before getting all quasi-alternative in the water. He said that the waves suck so bad that the Alaia keeps him entertained.

My gut reaction to the plywood, finless, bearded cool-guy surf trend is that it is stupid. Sort of a be an individual by doing what other people are doing mentality. If you are going to do what is trendy, try ripping really fucking hard. Not go straight and poop squat and spin around like a 9 year old on a boogie board. Fucking stupid. A novelty and maybe worth a try at best, like humping a drunk fat chick.

But something Spike said jogged my hard head. He was bored - and it was really hard - which made it fun. He was having fun. That is all. So what if the skinny jeans are doing it? Nothing is new. You aren't the first at doing anything. So I need to shut up let people have fun. Now get out of my way, I am going Stand Up Paddle surfing.

Shaping in Kauai and the Birth of the Hydro-Matic®

The Hydro-Matic 5 Fin Pain in the Ass, after being tested in nerf-surf.

It started in the 80's. I guess Blair knew the Campbell Brothers and Sunshine House Surf Shop ended up with a demo 6'4" Bonzer. Since I lived with Chauncey who managed the Sunshine House, the board was in my or Minesinger's possession almost a whole summer. It worked great although a tad too big for me. 5 fins was so cool and different. It felt really drivey and I rode some fun waves on it.

In January of 2008. I was given a mangled blank that the shaping machine had grazed and left worthless for the project it was intended for. I did my research and asked a lot of questions. I took pictures of Hamilton bonzers, studied the Campbell Brothers info. I found glass on fins from a vendor that Chauncey himself recommended. I came up with a name for the board after reading a book on vintage automobile brightwork - the Hydro-Matic.

The real treat was I shaped the board from scratch myself. I hand drew the template using a huge piece of cardboard to flip and duplicate. I put the rocker in it since the blank was big for my intended purpose. After 6 months of research and work-a-little-at-a-time, I had a blank I was happy with. It sat in the shed until I got another board order. That took months. I finally had enough to make the trip to the glasser worthwhile. I had a airbrush worked out too. It looked sweet on paper.

After a couple months at the glasser the owner of the other board called and needed his board asap. I prodded the glasser to finish up and gave him a pick up date that was last minute. I was going on a trip and I needed the board to ship before I left. The day I left I finally got the other board, but the bonzer was still not close. It had now been at the glasser 3 months.

When I got back from my trip I called the glasser and prodded again. He finally relented and said the board would be ready in a couple days. So I made the drive out there to have a look. The airbrush was great, but that was it. He had glossed but not polished the deck only. One laminate was upside down and the fins where in the completely the wrong spot. I was so angry all I could do was take the board and walk out.

Click to enlarge. Note the chunks of bad color, the Rub It® lam upside down and various small but shitty dings. Sweet.How do you put a laminate on upside down if it has words on it? Really dude? Really?

It took me another 4 months to find someone bored enough to grind off four fins, repair and reset. A few weeks later he had the board and a few weeks after that I had the board in my hands. He couldn't match the color so now the brand new board had a mangled bottom, and big chunks of color blunders. None of this was the repair man's fault, it just looked like ass. At least the fins where right.

Last night the first north swell arrived and I was going to be on the north shore for business. I was so psyched I could barely contain myself. The day dawned flat and after 12 hours of meeting I finally saw the ocean with 45 minutes of daylight left. It wa head high, onshore and packed. I paddled out and caught some shitty, soft, slow wind choppy feeling waves and couldn't even begin to feel the board. Everyone got out and I snagged a decent one and worked it through the inside. It felt positive and drivey and I ended the ride with a reo. Or should I say that I ended the ride on dry reef? I mashed a toe and dinged the board a few places.

After a year and a half, I think I deserve a set wave on that fucking bonzer. But no…